Family Reunion 2011

     Well this year the Hopkins/Cannon family had a reunion in Orlando, Florida that, after about eight year, was much needed and greatly enjoyed by everyone that attended.

Friends, family and all in between came out to enjoy the three day event that I think will be talked about for years to come. I think the best part about it all is seeing everyone that's still here and remembering all those that aren't, while celebrating the memory of both. It's rare that a family can come together in total harmony and just enjoy each other;s company.

There was no fighting at all, and most of all my grandmother of 70+, go to see her whole family together in one place. Another thing that was very warming about the whole thing is the was that my other half was welcomed into the family like he had been apart of it from the beginning. My family's not perfect but it's mine and I love them all the same. And one this that I do know if I don't know anything else is that they love me and support me in everything that I do. I give special thanks to no one person because they all made the whole event a huge success.

There were lots of pictures taken but I don't think we really got any of the pictures from when we were all at the pool. A million kids a few adults and tons of water. Nothing gets better than that.

Bowling night was a huge success even though I left early. And I think my favorite part of the whole week end was the first night that we arrived when we all played cards and sat around talkin trash. Or maybe it was all the events that followed the bowling alley. I really don't know I just had lots of fun. All in all I really enjoyed myself and can't wait till the next one. 

                   Tray.....................!

When Your Opinion Really Doesn't Count

     Okay a discussion was sparked today on my Twitter timeline concerning porn-stars having raw sex. It was stated that because porn-stars are making movies of themselves bare backing, that they're sending a message to our community that it's okay to have unprotected sex. It was also stated that porn stars are the reason for the rise in the HIV rate in our community. My question now is who the hell goes out and have raw sex just because another person, that mind you gets paid for it, is doing it on cam?
     Now lets address this thing one step at a time. I wanna start off with the whole rise in the HIV rate. The reason why there's a rise in the HIV rate has nothing to do with what or how porn stars choose to make there money. This steady rise is directly connected to the lack of education with in our own groups, circles, and communities. The thought of people fearing what they don't understand not only applies to fear of the unknown. In a lot of cases people not only fear what they don't understand, but they ignore it. They put it in there minds that it can' happen to them because they only  date certain types of people. Or they think that because they're not sexually active unless they're in a committed relationship that they're not at risk. Porn is the last reason that anyone should have for the spread of HIV or any of the STDs that we are constantly plagued with.
     Self choice plays a very important part of this whole dilemma about what contributes to the cause of the rising HIV rate here. I see people having unprotected sex all the time. Whether it's on the net,  in person, or just by what other's tell me it's happening. But the question is, if everyone's doing it, does that make it okay? If I watch porn and the new biggest thing out is raw sex, does that mean I should do it? The answer to those questions are, what ever I feel is best for me. But the fact that others are doing it doesn't make it right or wrong. I am my own person,m as is every soul on this planet responsible for there own well being. If I'm standing on the roof of a building and everyone jumps off, I know I sure as hell ain't bout to join in on that fun. If every porn star stabbed themselves with a knife after every orgasm would you think it was the right thing to do?
     @iNewYorker, a patron on twitter, is really the one that started this whole thing. Telling, @I_AM_HOTROD, that he and the people that he work for are directly a big cause for the spread or HIV. I really don't think that there are any adults that have porn stars for role models. And as I've said before, If they do they deserve any and everything they get. And as far as the youth, it's the parents job to educate there kids. So you can get as many petitions signed as you want to, you're not going to change anything. Adult content is not meant for anyone under the age of 18. And if you're over that age and still think that it's okay to do things just cause others do it, I say drink a cup of bleach now and save us all the stress.




Tray.............

Olmond Beach, Fl.

      Well my vacation started in Ormond Beach. For those of you who don't know where that is, it's right outside of Daytona. Not even five minutes. Well I went to see my old friend that's from England, and what a time we had.
     The trip started of really nice, but since we hadn't been around each other or talked in a while, things slowly started turning for the worst. I mean it's not that I didn't enjoy my trip there, it was the fact that us being from different sides of the world caused a lets say, difference in opinion. All in all I did have a great time there, and I'll prolly be going back soon. But this time around I won't be staying as long as I did. 
     My friend is an older guy. More than twice my age, but I don't think that really had to much to do with all that went on. We got into some pretty heated arguments. Some over things that I really didn't understand, some that I did. I mean just because you do things one way in the UK, doesn't mean that I have to follow your way of life here. I mean there has to be some kind of compromise some where on both ends. I'll give you an example. I was told that for a pretty intelligent person, i sure am slow. The reason behind this comment was the simple fact that I didn't understand a joke. i mean in this country we call girls chicks. In the UK girls are referred to as birds. It took two days of fussing and insults for him to realize the I didn't get the joke because he was using a slang that I knew not what it referred to. This is the type of foolishness we went through for an entire week. But like I said all in all I had fun. It really was nice to get out of Boring ass Tallahassee. Plus the fact that my sister came up from Orlando to spend the day with me, and that she brought my little princess with her made it all worth while.




   Tray..............
     

     Who decided that black men should have to conform to what the world thinks they need to adhere to. When a child cries because mama won't except the fact that Lil Jr. got another agenda. I am what you fear and dream of at the same time. I'm the what would should have been my life, and what you want to lay your head on. I go the mile, the distance between you and words of encouragement sent by those that mean betta. You are not my father. He died long ago trying to live his dream, but I won't b e denied. You should look at yourself in something other than a mirror. You are not what you think you should be but a shell of something else. I cried last night for you. A human slave to what folks call a gay black man. I cried because you left me with open hands and empty mouths. Where were you when fog rolled in from a place that most people only think brings pain, sorrow and hurt. You made me be what I am today. A sorry black gay man that's in love with not only you but the sound of his own voice. Alcohol may not be the answer but it does offer relief. You make me sick. All the fairy tails that come from you mouth are sickening to me. You are my joy and don't even know who you are. I'm in a place now that requires me to think. I'd rather be between your legs, blessing you with the gift that God himself gave me. You remember the pain that I brought on in the heat of not just a moment, but a lifetime of waiting.  You still feel me, and in my heart you are the reason I hurt. Ease up off the regret cause yo time is coming. The time of not just paying a bill.  You owe me your life, all of it in a bag held under your arm. I love you, can't you see that. It's not enough to just cry, you got to mean it. And trust me when i say i need you here I'm not just saying words. You are my light so shine. I'll treasure it in the long run...........!

Hard Day at Home

     So my mother decided she wanted to throw my aunt a surprise birthday party. I was kinda surprised myself being that my aunt's birthday was last week, and that she didn't tell anyone about the party other than my oldest sister Sonya. So why did she ask me yesterday when i was going to start cleaning up the house getting ready for the party. What party is what I wanted to know. "Oh I told yall i was throwing Ivy a party this week end." Ummmm, no the hell you didn't. And she fell to mention that our family from South GA was also coming down...  So I've been busy all day cleaning an entire four bed room house by myself. And I have to cut the grass and clean up the yard. When i tell you I'm tired as fuck. And I'm still not done. i got to clean the oven, the living room, and i have to scrub the fucking tub. Then on top of all that she comes in the house and tell me that WE'RE cooking tonight for he party tomorrow. Not like i really made a big deal about it until she took her ass in the room talkin bout she going to sleep. LMFAO... when i tell you it's on tomorrow. I'm getting drunk as fuck and showing my ass all day.

Tray........................!

A Week To Remember....!

     Well I know it's been a while, but I promise I'm gonna stop starting my post with this line. Well after ten months or waiting I finally got to meet the person that I've been spending most my nights talking to via telephone; preparing for what was hopefully to be something worth hanging on to. A few holidays: birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Thanksgiving; spent via: USPS, email, Majic Jack, and T-Mobile, and the Hound finally pulled into Tally carrying the gift that has been anticipated with the up most of anticipation. It's funny how things seem like they'll never happen and then when they do you really don't know how to feel. All i know is even though the week didn't go as I had hoped it would, I still enjoyed every minute of it.

     Sometimes you spend endless night, days, and other time that surely could be used for something else, thinking about the feeling of being with someone that gets you. You hope that when you do finally meet that person that everything pans out like you've always imagined, that sparks will fly, and everything that you dreamed of had finally come true. Well in my case, I don't know about no sparks, LOL, but it was definitely something flying. But things did hit me until probably that next day when I awoke beside them and realized that they were really there. I woke up smiling, and it's been ages since that has happened, so things were def good.

     Well I did have lots of things planned out for us to do that week, but since we had never met,(yes we started dating via twitter), I guess the other party wanted to spend as much, ALONE, time with me as possible. And y'all can get cha heads out the gutter. We spent the week watching movies, talking, laying up under each other, eating my home cooking, and of course getting shit faced. I mean can you think of any other way of spending time with someone you're really into that you've never physically met? Though it was our first time seeing each other we quickly started to show the ten months of getting to know each other by: talking shit, cursing each other out, arguing, and being mad at each other for short periods of time. Yes after all these months, what had started off as innocent conversation, turned into something a little deeper than that. Well shit, a whole lot deeper than that.

     I can honestly say that I have a boyfriend now. I now share my life with another being other than God, and I'm loving every minute of it. even though for now it's a long distance relationship, I have no doubt in my mind that this is something that will last for a while. And in the end if it doesn't work out, I'll know that I've shared a part of my life with someone that loves me dearly. The best part is that the love that they have for me is derived from the very essence of who I am. They love me just for being me. And I love them too....

      Tray.................................!

Twitter Rants and Trash

     Recently I took a break from the cyber chat world so that i could sit back and observe others and see the foolishness that goes on around you that you usually don't notice because you're in the middle of it. People really put lots of there personal business out into cyber space to be judged and then get upset when just that happens. I've never understood why you would have personal conversations with your boy/girlfriend over the net for all to see when you can do it in person, over the phone, or some other private matter. Then when it all doesn't work out you end up looking like the fool you really were when you jumped into all this head first. break ups are bad and I understand that you sometimes want to vent. But I've never understood the purpose in putting other people and yourself out there bu using names and locations. Or why would you put specific details of your relationship out for everyone can be apart of it. The sad part about it is that most of the time that you see stuff like that happening it usually means that you've been leaking info related to your relationship the entire duration. I feel like if you're going to get on facebook, twitter, myspace, or any of the other sites and broadcast, you might as well set up a live feed and leave the camera on at all times. some things are supposed to be left in the sanctity of your partners trust. But hey that's just me.

     Another thing that I noticed is people putting the full details of there sexual escapades online. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a #twitterafterdark kinda guy myself. But you really don't have to tell a person everything. I mean come on who doesn't love a freak. But when I know that you're doing all these different things to all the people that you come across, what's left for me? Not saying that I wouldn't deal with a freak that I know does there thing, But how do you really expect someone to be seriously interested in you emotionally when your bio says #teamswallow. Yes i expect my boyfriend to be a freak, but somethings shouldn't be marketed as a feature. I love me a cum bucket but i don't want one that been sitting in a public restroom for the last three to ten years getting used my everyone that decides to stop by.. lollol... I'm mean I've seen so many things in the last few weeks that have just blown my mind. But hey, It's the net. Everyone can be everything they've ever dreamed of being while there logged in.

Then and Now

Trapped in the middle of some deserted nothing in the middle of an empty no where. That's where i found my salvation, hanging onto something that never could have existed. Blending in with mt surroundings was the very thing that brought me to this place.

My joy matched the only thing my eyes could focus on no matter where i turned them.  Realization of the fact that I've been in this place for most of my life was finally sinking in. Hesitation was what my mind did when i pondered my next move. Escape from this dismal place had always been just a dream that seemed to float in limbo. Neither darkness or light just a void engulfs me.

Then I met you and now i see life, possibilities, and my mind can fathom some form of hope.  You are more than a part of me, but less than averything i am. You are you, and I love every decemal point used in your design.

I Love You............!

Tray.................!

back in the Habbit

     Well i was out of it for a while, but I'm finally back at it. Not a whole lot has happened since the last time that I wrote in my blog, but there are a lot of things that are coming up in the near future. Spring, for one, is finally here. and like clock work the allergies kicked right in. My love life is blooming at an enormous rate, and things on that same front are finally coming together as a whole. Family life hasn't changed that much, but after 31 years of the same shit, I'm kinda benine to it all. Other than those few issues only thing new is my attitude and outlook on life.. I'm still the same ole' Tray, and i doubt that it's to many things that can change that at this point in my life. As for right now I'm enjoying the now, and looking forward to everything that's to come...

Tray.....................!

Moving On

     Life is kinda hard when you have issues that you haven't dealt with. How can you really move on and get on with life when you're still stuck on the things that you didn't get from the people or person that you feel you should have early in your adolescent years? I've kind of learned that holding on to hurt and pain not only effects you but others in your life that love you and want/are playing an important role in your life.
     I'm dealing with an issue right now that's kinda holding me back from getting on with life, and is causing me on a daily basis a lot of pain and most of all distraction; my mother. It's not that I don't love my mom cause I do, It's just that my mother didn't raise me and sometimes I feel that she wasn't there for me the same way she was there for my other siblings. I was raised by my grandparents. The funny thing is they weren't my biological grandparents, they were my mother's best friend's parents. Sounds complicated but really it's really not. I mean I had a great life. The folk that raised me loved me like there own, but after a while you long for your true family.
     As a child I was active in lots of things. I played five instruments in band, at one point spoke spanish almost fluently, played the piano, was a star bowler, and I even attempted to play sports. My biggest issue is the fact that I really had no support, no one to cheer for me. I watched my mother cheer on my other siblings, support there dreams, and encourage them to be all they could be. I sat back over the years watching them go on and acheive there dreams and enjoy life with that same motherly love that I always longed for. I've often asked myself why I never got the same treatment. I even hated my mother for a while. There were, and are still times when I'd like to hear my mother talk about some of the things that I've acheived in life, but it never happenes. I ask myself every day why she never asks me what's going on with me, or why she never comes to my house to visit. I used to say that maybe it's cause of the lifestyle that I've chosen, but I think it's much deeper than that. I really don't know what it is. Maybe she really doesn't know how I feel about all this. I don't know and at this point I really don't care. All I want at this point in my life is to be able to move on from all this and let the past go. I want to be understood. I want to be asked what's new in my life. I guess to sum it all up, I want to be seen like everyone else in this family is seen. I wonder if what I'm feeling is a sense of not belonging. I really don't know what it is.
     I wonder sometimes if instead of focusing on all the negative, I should think about the things that she has giving me. Life for one is what it's all about right. I have love in my life. Someone that really cares about me with all my flaws and all. What I really think I need right now is closure. Just the feeling that all these thoughts are known and acknowledged. I am gratefull for my life. I've done things that people in my family has never done, places they've never been. What is it going to take for me to move on and be able to enjoy my life and the things that I have in it? At this point I really don't know. I guess I'll just keep praying about it. Untill then life and time keeps moving.

Thanks for listning....

               Tray.............!

My Little Princess...... I Love Her

confussion

     It's hard to know what roles people in life play when you don't know where in life you yourself are. most of us know that finding our way isn't as easy as we may want it to be. But how can you truly know someones intentions when you see no constructive or obvious concern with direct issues. When does the point come when balance shifts and to much darkness invades the scene? How long does it take for that person to start thinking on simply moving on to brighter fields where days become normal and sunshine returns to its regular time? Everyone has a favorite season, but no one really wants to be stuck there for eternity. Even ducks fly south for the Winter seeking warmer weather. How do you tell someone that there time is over? How do you move on from something that you hate, but seem just to used to to let go? How do you break barriers that you yourself built? How do you climb walls that seem just to high to climb? When the time comes to clean up this think called your life, how do you know what to keep and what to leave behind? Faith wasn't meant for all men. Somethings were never meant to have life. Every house wasn't built to weather every storm.

When is to old actually to old?

     Ive heard this topic several times not only on my time line (twitter), but also in other blogs, on  facebook, myspace, BGC forums, some of everywhere. The biggest issue with this question is the fact that this is actually an issue. I've dated older and younger guys. Me myself, I prefer younger guys, and it's not for reasons that most people may think. It's a whole new ballgame when you're in it for the right reasons.

     I used to think that it was strange that I wasn't attracted to older men. For some reason the though of someone telling me what to do, thinking that they knew more than me, or even feeling a sense of control because of the age bracket bothered me. I've dated older men. Men anywhere from four, to twenty-four years older than me have had a chance to get to know me on a level a little past friendship. It's all the same to me with them all. Either they're telling me what I need to do with my life, or what I'm not doing right. The fact that I've never had a father, and that I don't need or want one now, made this an impossible hurdle to jump.

     Now loads of people think the reason for older people wanting a younger mate has something to do with the person being inexperienced in life. Contrary to that belief in most cases it's not that reason at all. Younger people haven't been tainted by bad experiences, or heartbreak. For the most part they're full of new energy, ready to explore the world, and more willing to trust something new easier than others that have been hurt in past relationships. They also appreciate what you've been  through in life, instead of trying to tell you what you need to do to fix yours. Young minds in my opinion offer new adventure, fresh ideas, and an eagerness to belong to something meaningful. All in all I think younger beings add that much needed excitement to your life.

     Now there is a downfall. In most situations, younger people have much less to offer, and at times can be a bit of a handful. They have all this energy, and sometimes it can be overwhelming. But what's life with out a challenge right? The last couple of people that I've dated have been younger than me. The very last person that I met is 11 years younger than me. But is this really to big of an age gap. I don't think so.

     My last love interest didn't start out that way at all. It started out as a friendly chatting situation, and over several months turned into something completely different. It's kinda funny though being that neither of us ever knew where the whole thing was going, but decided to let it flow in the direction that our emotions led it. It turned into something beautiful, unexpected, but beautiful. I at one point found myself asking the question, "isn't he too young." But once I thought about the reasons why it happened, it no longer bothered me. After all, age is only a number.

     So I guess the real question to it all is whose job is it to determine what is acceptable, and what's not. Ultimately I think it's up to the two individuals in the relationship. Whether you, the outsider, think that it's strange that an older person is dating a younger person isn't really your business. Yes you are free to have your opinion about subjects, events, or  general, day to day things that you may encounter. But in the end your opinion counts for nothing other than your own sense of self worth, or involvement in things deemed worthy of discussion.In the end I say if the two are happy, then let them be. What are your thoughts on the matter. 

Tray.

Deep In Thought

     Sometimes I get in a mood that I can't explain for the life of me.  It's times like this that I really need those that I feel closest to for comfort. It's when day to day events that make me think about some of the choices that I've made in life, especially choices that sat me back helping others move forward, seem to be the epitome of my current situation. I always ask myself why is it that the things that I want most in life, and more importantly the thinks that I NEED, seem so far out of reach. I guess it's an age old question that for some of us will never be answered. I love life, but sometimes you kinda wonder if it's really worth living. No I'm not at all suicidal, just questioning the aspects of existing in a world so full of sadness and misfortune. I think I am blessed to be who I am. There are those that are worse off that I am. Then you have those whom have lives far more fulfilling and privileged than mine, and complain about how much they hate it. I mean when is enough enough. No I don't need diamonds, fast cars, nor do I need all the things that turn heads and draw attention. All I need is enough to stand on my own two feet. The bare necessities in life that allows one to be free from depending on others. Love really don't pay the bills, and it sure as hell don't fill your stomach. But it can give you a reason to move forward and keep trying. That's why I continue to love me, push myself, and not let simple worldly things get in the way of where I need to be. I Love Me... Even if no one else does.

Tray

Not What I Am

     I am the epitome of what should, has, and could have been.

    

     Time lost at sea, solar eclipses, and water logged bridges headed nowhere in time.

     I am a thought past it's prime, stuck in a place not belonging to any one sane man's imagination.

     I am seedless fruit, punchline-less  jokes meant for reasons unknown to dark force-less

          creations born for death.

     I am a memory, formed from every child not created for fear of being. Jaws thought

          to have been disposed of.

 

     I'm everything that dreams aren't made of. Road forks and grass-less hills and  broken

          clocks and sheet-less beds.

     I'm virgin daiquiris, and string-less kites and root-less trees.

     I am everything forgotten about in life, frowned down upon, cursed, and crucified with no sleeves.

     I am every downfall to man that has poured down pain from heaven-less sky's.

     But even though all this I am or may be.

     I'm still proud to say that even though with all that I'm not.

      I AM STILL ME.........................!

Tray   

HIV positive Pornstars

     I've been doing a lot of reading lately about what's going on in the world.. No I'm not talking about the starving kids in Africa, or Obama's political problems. I'm talking more on issues that I read on the walls of people's blogs. There seem to be tons of things going on that I had no clue about. But out of all the things that I've read, there was one subject that really caught me attention. So since it's been a while since I've updated MY blog, I've decided to speak out on this, and maybe get others opinion on the subject.

     I'll start off by going back to a stereotypical topic circling the gay community even today.  HIV/AIDS. I've befriended a few people in my lifespan that had or have, HIV or AIDS. I've never been the type to judge anyone on the mistakes they've made to become apart of this horrible epidemic. But how they live there lives after the knowledge of contraction has always been a different story. I look at the infected as I look at any other person, but what happens when those in that group decide to involve themselves in activities that knowingly put hundreds of others in danger. The biggest question I guess is what if they're being paid for it.

     I recently read an article in a pornstar's  blog where he interviewed another well known pornstar about the happenings of his life from adolescence up to now. During the interview the pornstar came out about his positive HIV status, told his story about how he dealt wit it, and later went on to say that he eventually went back to doing porn. He also stated that he knows other "models" in the industry that are poz and have not came out about it, but still work in the industry. "It's just one of those things that some people feel will hurt their careers if people found out." he want on to explain. But from my understanding of the article, the producers knew about the poz results, just encouraged safe sex if they were to keep making films. 

     Now again I'm not judging. I really don't know how to feel about this. Surely some people would be outraged at the fact that companies are continuing to allow HIV positive stars  to continue to work in the field. Even if condoms are used, they have been proven to be less than 100% effective and the fact that they're getting paid for this........ service, just makes me really wonder what is being said. I don't really know the whole process in which they handle the situation. Do they tell HIV neg stars that the person they're about to do a scene with is poz? Do you have a choice on whether or not you want to take the chance of the condom holding up? Or is it a, what you don't know won't hurt you, kind of ordeal. The interviewee did state that there are some companies that won't match poz performers with neg performers, but with that being said, he did say some. Would it be discrimination or legal consequences behind getting rid of someone because of there status. It makes me think just how many people in this industry is HIV positive and refuse to inform there coworkers for fear of having to find work in another industry. 

     I simply say to each it's own and keep my penis on a selective servicing basis... What do you think.

Tray.............................!