From a distance I see snow capped mountains, rolling hills, and plains blooming with fresh breaths of air. I feel time winding down, a new beginning, and blessings granted by shooting stars, and over flowing wishing wells. Butter flies can not explain the feelings I feel coming from a place of chaos and confusion entering fresh light, given to me by God to embrace and form a new. I see a future built on trust, love, and a satisfaction only obtained by combining forces found by years of searching, and lusting for a lifetime of dedication brought on by continuous failure. I see beauty made for one, loved by many, and envied by none. I SEE YOU. More than just the window to my soul you are what flows through my veins, the reason why my heart beats, and nights without you are cold. YOU ARE LIFE.  The other half of more than just me, But the existence of season. Without you I feel no Spring only Winter exists in my world. How can I not love a smile that never fades, joy I could never doubt, and a warmth that could only be compared to the sun. Today I'm made whole by opening the gates to my heart and giving more than my soul. You are everything, and I'm forever in your grace. SO I SAY I DO. In hopes that the memory of forever is really more than just a dream, and you're more than just everything I've ever wanted in life and love. I AM BECAUSE YOU ARE.

A New Year

     Every year people all make it there business to say what they're going to do to make there life better.. I, at one point in my life, used to participate in the same ritual. Then once I really saw, how like holidays, people used this time of year as some kind or hoping point, year after year, I let it go. I mean I do have the usual, I hope next years better, but I never let a new year be the reason for change in my life. I work on me on a daily basis, and try never to let annual events be the cause if some great epiphany that tends to show up year after year, eventually giving you false hope of change.

     I look at some people around me that try and give themselves time to make a change in there lives instead of initiating the change at the moment the idea was conceived. I feel if i change a little about me daily then by the time New Years, my birthday, or any other as we call them, turning point in my life comes along, I'll already have made the adjustment instead of telling myself that it's time to enforce it. 

     What I do hope for at this time of year is that people use all the holiday spirit to change the way that they treat, view, and or categorize people. I mean it's sad when once upon a time you were friends, cool, or cordial with so many people, then as time pass by they feel just because they've went in another direction other than you, they have to make you out to be something you're not.  Some  people, in my opinion, should never be put in a highchair. they fail to realize that the reason for it isn't to look down at others but to be able to enjoy what life has at the table in front of them. I mean why waste your time looking down on others. The spot light's big enough for everyone. And just cause the wind's filling your sail today, don't mean it's going to blow in your direction tomorrow. 

     On another note I don't know what this year's going to bring. But what eva it is I'll handle it the same way I've done everything else that have come my way in this life I've been blessed to live. I'm going to live my life according to what makes me happy. I still refuse to let the thought and words of others, when pertaining to me, affect the way i perform in life on a day to day basis. People don't make me, but as with anyone, they do force me to evaluate my life and improve on my current situations. My goal is to never be batter than anyone. My goal is simply to be a better person, and live my life to the fullest. Happy New Years Everyone...

Tray AvasBoy Alexandria......................!

Looking back

     Though I'm really not a Christmas person I really enjoyed spending time with my family. Most of all i think the biggest high light was my babies. Especially when we went ice skating. I've always wanted kids but I guess it was never really meant for me to have any. I've been through a miscarriage , and abortion, and even a still born. So long ago I decided that I wouldn't try to have anymore anytime soon. So to feel that void I just put all my energy into my babies (nieces and nephew). 

     Well this Christmas I had the opportunity to go ice skating with my babies. One just loves it, the other...... Ummmmmmmm not to much. (hated it) But all in all they had a great time just being outside in the cold are doing something with the people that love them, that they've never done before. Yes I'm still pissed that they didn't have real ice, but Imma let that go. But this year taught me that even though I'm not really a holiday person, doesn't mean that I can't enjoy what comes along with it. So from now on I'll try to be into the holiday spirit a little more than I have been in the past few years......

Tray AvasBoy Alexandria.................!

Just A Thought

      I have one big issue with the gay community. We for the most part are self hating. Not all of us but a big part of us do. When i say self hating I'm talking about us hating on us. You all touched on the subject in one of the last shows but didn't really go to deep into it. I mean really how can we as a community more forward in the world if we're constantly holding each other back.
      I recently started noticing how we as gay individuals shone each other. I mean if it's not because of size, it's looks. If it's not looks, it's your level of masculinity, if it's not that, it's your HIV status. I mean the list goes on and on. And the part that really gets me the most is that it usually comes from the Black LGBT community more so than any other. My biggest question is, with all the things that we as a people have been through in the last 5-800 years, why after it all have we become or worst enemy. I watched something on tv years ago that said that blacks worst enemy is blacks. We blame the white man, and the straight people. politicians and even in some cases or parents and families for what we're going through. Are we ever going to get it together as a people. And with all these new laws being passed for homosexuals to live freely in the country not having to hide who we are, why aren't we taking this more seriously, and pulling together using these new freedoms to better the trials and struggles of our community. I listen to people get made at others and spread rumors of hiv to try and exclude certain people from the group. I see us turning out backs on one another because of not being masculine. I mean me myself I'm not really into DL guys but it doesn't give me a reason to bash them or point them out trying to cause an uprising against that group. they're still apart of this thing we call family.
     I just really thing that if we can come together within our own community and and solve some of the self hating issues that we bring on each other that we ourselves can then make a better impact on how the world treats us. And I think as a whole that more people would feel better about coming out of that closet that they're living in. That's one of the reasons that i love watching this show. i love to see my fellow gay family trying to do something for US and trying to understand the different issues of US. If we don't help us, who the hell will.

thanks for listening.
     Tray AvasBoy Alexandria... 

Once Again

     It's that time of the year once again when the world feels like they deserve special attention and unnecessary treatment, just because there parents lead them to believe that some fat white man named Santa exists.  Once upon a time I subject to this betrayal of belief  by those closest to me, but being the intelligent person that I am, quickly did that whole process prove as failure. My whole thing about it all is, why must we wait until a specific time of year to express our love for those close to us when we can do it through-out. Im ight not make it till Christmas. Planes do crash, cars wreck, and bullets kill. You never know when the end is for anyone. Though we all hope for the best and assume that they'll be there forever when in reality time is slipping away as we speak. I've never really been into the whole Christmas thing, but go along with the whole idea for sake of the masses that depend on the little joy that this time of year brings to get them to the next level in life. Who needs one day out of three hundred and sixty-five to make there world seem like it's better than it really is. I rather concentrate on more important issues like, education, a steady paycheck, and keeping the lights on. The world in my case has it's priorities mixed up. unless the whole point of it all is to make some sense of the turmoil going on around up, it all makes no sense. And if that is the reason for the season, then I'm afraid things really are worse off than I thought they were.

Tray...............!

You cute lil ugly one

     I been asking this question for a while now. Why do some people think just cause they cute, that it justifies them having a shitty ass attitude. I mean just cause you're cute don't mean that you can just treat people any way you feel. It doesn't mean that you're going to get everything that you want. It doesn't mean that you're going to get who ever you want. And it damn sure don't mean that when you get none of the above that you're cuteness gives you permission to down play another to make yourself feel better.

     There was a point in my life that I'd only date very attractive people. I thought that red-bones, with nice asses, pretty skin, long hair, and perfect teeth where the only type that deserved me. Not saying that I was all that or nothing, cause I never thought of myself as a very attractive person, It's just that I had a style about me. I've never really had a problem getting what I wanted in life, well more like who I wanted. But After a while you start seeing a pattern. Shallow people are really only with you for the same reasons that you're with them. You think you have the best, and they most def think the same. When in reality you're both, even though deserving of each other, not worth any one's time. It took me time but I got over all that very quickly. After giving your heart to someone so many times that only want your looks and social status, you tend to get bored and look else where for what it is you truly seek.

     Now I've found that there are all types of cuteness in this world. Like now I love dark skin, brown skin guys/girls. And I've even got into average. I can even go as far as saying that I've dated some people that were not as attractive face wise. But as I got older I started judging people not by there looks, but personalities, kindness, and intelligence. I'd look at these people and it's like they were gorgeous to me.  And for some reason no matter how many time people asked me why I'm with them, or that they weren't cute, I just couldn't see ugliness in them. To me they where beautiful. Musiq Souchild said that beauty is only skin deep. It took a while but I have to agree with Him. A person's beauty is ultimately determined by the light that's shed on them by what lies with-in. 

     Now don't get me wrong there are some ugly people out there that you can't tell they're not attractive. I mean I'm all for high self esteem, but I also believe that you need to know your limitations. And to be ugly on the inside and the outside... Now that's the worst combination that's available. I mean you're already not cute, then you want to have that jacked up ass attitude.. WTF are you thinking. You want to die ugly and lonely huh. I've had the opportunity to date someone like that. I mean they had me fooled at first, but the closer I got to them the more I saw through that continuous stream of smoke that was blown out there ass. I mean and this whole story bout why they can't find no one. Well hell I see why it's hard for you to actually meet someone. Now I can see why you can't keep them. It's like, shit, You ain't really got nothing to offer me. Some people, like I said, need to know there limitations. 

     So to sum this all up. Sometimes you should look into yourself and try to find just what it is you're doing, and where you're at when it comes to this topic. You might be one of those that will give anyone a chance. I mean it's nothing wrong with having preferences, but some people really can't be picky. Especially if looks, ass, money, and attitude are all you have to bring to the table. Some things are worth more than just "RACK APPEAL".

Feeling Great

     It's a Saturday, and today a long time since I've been in a mood this good.. My Ex girlfriend hit me up calming me down. My Classmate put her two cents in trying to make my day better. Even my mother came in and talk to me. I'm just on a roll today.... So what's up with everyone out there in the world trying to make it work today? I have no complaints today. I've even got up this morning, on a Saturday at that and cleaned and all. It's a good feeling knowing that there are people out there that care enough about you to stop what they're doing to make your day just a little better. i love you all. I'm going to even write a new poem today. Right now I'm listening to all this old school.  it reminds me of where I've came from. Lets me know that I'm in a better place and I can only thing those up this morning for it all.. I'm truly blessed.

Who...........

     Who cares about cold days when they have there own supply of heat to warm there bodies throughout the night. Who sees those with nothing to live for but the hope that the next day will be better than their last, and that someone will look down and step aside so sunlight can grace there face. Who does the things that the world seems to have forgotten about through the years that helped get us as beings to the place in life that we are now. Who has the courage to face the unknown, challenge the world, and bring about the destruction of the unjust, seize glory for the weak, and restore balance to a civilization born to fail as it builds atop of sorrows and despair. How might we as people survive in poverty cause by mankind's thirst for himself as an individual, and his lack of faith in brother-en born from the same flesh that brought about creation. How come we refuse to accept that we are all the same and deserve life and everything that comes with it. How can I love with an unbending heart, a black soul and no will to survive. Why will no one reach out to me, tell me the stories that lift spirits and saves lives through true meaning and caring expressions. Who will be my savior and rescue me from this loveless hell that I continue to die in daily while wasting away in the pool of life known as regret, pity, and shame.......

Who Can.............?

Happy Birthday To Me

     I haven't written in my blog in a while now and it's def about time. Well to those that don't know I just had my 31st birthday.. Yea I'm getting old. But I'm fine with that. It takes wisdom, the kind that I've obtained to know just where you stand at in life. And I know just where I stand.. I had a pretty decent birthday. Other than the fact that only three family members wished me a happy birthday, It wasn't so bad.  To be honest it really didn't bother me as much as most people said it should have. I guess I'm used to the fact that me and my family really aren't that close.. Never have been. So with that being said, what's really the point of dwelling on, or getting upset by it. But on the upside I got tons of emails, texts, phone calls, tweets, face book posts, IMs, all my Internet pals, friends, associates, and all around buddies, really made the whole day complete. I didn't do anything but drink and hang out at home, but I still enjoyed MY day all the same. I got the surprise of my life when a friend of mine, flew all the way down from VA, to surprise me at exactly midnight.. lollol.. Now I wasn't expecting that one at all. But it's something that he would do. I guess since I told him I wasn't doing anything the night before he used it to his advantage. To be honest he stole the idea from me. I had planned on doing it for someone. But it's cool. 

     I realized that the type of people that I used to have in my life were not supposed to be there..Sometimes I get lonely, but I do realize that it's a part of life.. I'd rather be by myself than to be surrounded by people that are fake and not there for my best interests. Everyone that's in your live has a reason to be there... Maybe you should sit down one say and write down all the names and beside them put there reason. You, like me, might come to the conclusion that they really should not be there. That certain people surrounding you are occupying valuable space, burning up essential energy, and not to mention, robbing you or focus that's needed for someone or thing that's vital to your very existence. I may sit at home alone most of my free time, but at the end of the day if my time's wasted I know it was wasted on something I wanted and not with someone that really wasn't worth the time. Life teaches you so many lessons. Some you really won't see until you've been through some things, but eventually you'll get there. You'll wake up one day and nothing will be the same. Until then enjoy life, every minute of it. You never know when it's going to end. 

Tray..............!