From a distance I see snow capped mountains, rolling hills, and plains blooming with fresh breaths of air. I feel time winding down, a new beginning, and blessings granted by shooting stars, and over flowing wishing wells. Butter flies can not explain the feelings I feel coming from a place of chaos and confusion entering fresh light, given to me by God to embrace and form a new. I see a future built on trust, love, and a satisfaction only obtained by combining forces found by years of searching, and lusting for a lifetime of dedication brought on by continuous failure. I see beauty made for one, loved by many, and envied by none. I SEE YOU. More than just the window to my soul you are what flows through my veins, the reason why my heart beats, and nights without you are cold. YOU ARE LIFE.  The other half of more than just me, But the existence of season. Without you I feel no Spring only Winter exists in my world. How can I not love a smile that never fades, joy I could never doubt, and a warmth that could only be compared to the sun. Today I'm made whole by opening the gates to my heart and giving more than my soul. You are everything, and I'm forever in your grace. SO I SAY I DO. In hopes that the memory of forever is really more than just a dream, and you're more than just everything I've ever wanted in life and love. I AM BECAUSE YOU ARE.

A New Year

     Every year people all make it there business to say what they're going to do to make there life better.. I, at one point in my life, used to participate in the same ritual. Then once I really saw, how like holidays, people used this time of year as some kind or hoping point, year after year, I let it go. I mean I do have the usual, I hope next years better, but I never let a new year be the reason for change in my life. I work on me on a daily basis, and try never to let annual events be the cause if some great epiphany that tends to show up year after year, eventually giving you false hope of change.

     I look at some people around me that try and give themselves time to make a change in there lives instead of initiating the change at the moment the idea was conceived. I feel if i change a little about me daily then by the time New Years, my birthday, or any other as we call them, turning point in my life comes along, I'll already have made the adjustment instead of telling myself that it's time to enforce it. 

     What I do hope for at this time of year is that people use all the holiday spirit to change the way that they treat, view, and or categorize people. I mean it's sad when once upon a time you were friends, cool, or cordial with so many people, then as time pass by they feel just because they've went in another direction other than you, they have to make you out to be something you're not.  Some  people, in my opinion, should never be put in a highchair. they fail to realize that the reason for it isn't to look down at others but to be able to enjoy what life has at the table in front of them. I mean why waste your time looking down on others. The spot light's big enough for everyone. And just cause the wind's filling your sail today, don't mean it's going to blow in your direction tomorrow. 

     On another note I don't know what this year's going to bring. But what eva it is I'll handle it the same way I've done everything else that have come my way in this life I've been blessed to live. I'm going to live my life according to what makes me happy. I still refuse to let the thought and words of others, when pertaining to me, affect the way i perform in life on a day to day basis. People don't make me, but as with anyone, they do force me to evaluate my life and improve on my current situations. My goal is to never be batter than anyone. My goal is simply to be a better person, and live my life to the fullest. Happy New Years Everyone...

Tray AvasBoy Alexandria......................!

Looking back

     Though I'm really not a Christmas person I really enjoyed spending time with my family. Most of all i think the biggest high light was my babies. Especially when we went ice skating. I've always wanted kids but I guess it was never really meant for me to have any. I've been through a miscarriage , and abortion, and even a still born. So long ago I decided that I wouldn't try to have anymore anytime soon. So to feel that void I just put all my energy into my babies (nieces and nephew). 

     Well this Christmas I had the opportunity to go ice skating with my babies. One just loves it, the other...... Ummmmmmmm not to much. (hated it) But all in all they had a great time just being outside in the cold are doing something with the people that love them, that they've never done before. Yes I'm still pissed that they didn't have real ice, but Imma let that go. But this year taught me that even though I'm not really a holiday person, doesn't mean that I can't enjoy what comes along with it. So from now on I'll try to be into the holiday spirit a little more than I have been in the past few years......

Tray AvasBoy Alexandria.................!

Just A Thought

      I have one big issue with the gay community. We for the most part are self hating. Not all of us but a big part of us do. When i say self hating I'm talking about us hating on us. You all touched on the subject in one of the last shows but didn't really go to deep into it. I mean really how can we as a community more forward in the world if we're constantly holding each other back.
      I recently started noticing how we as gay individuals shone each other. I mean if it's not because of size, it's looks. If it's not looks, it's your level of masculinity, if it's not that, it's your HIV status. I mean the list goes on and on. And the part that really gets me the most is that it usually comes from the Black LGBT community more so than any other. My biggest question is, with all the things that we as a people have been through in the last 5-800 years, why after it all have we become or worst enemy. I watched something on tv years ago that said that blacks worst enemy is blacks. We blame the white man, and the straight people. politicians and even in some cases or parents and families for what we're going through. Are we ever going to get it together as a people. And with all these new laws being passed for homosexuals to live freely in the country not having to hide who we are, why aren't we taking this more seriously, and pulling together using these new freedoms to better the trials and struggles of our community. I listen to people get made at others and spread rumors of hiv to try and exclude certain people from the group. I see us turning out backs on one another because of not being masculine. I mean me myself I'm not really into DL guys but it doesn't give me a reason to bash them or point them out trying to cause an uprising against that group. they're still apart of this thing we call family.
     I just really thing that if we can come together within our own community and and solve some of the self hating issues that we bring on each other that we ourselves can then make a better impact on how the world treats us. And I think as a whole that more people would feel better about coming out of that closet that they're living in. That's one of the reasons that i love watching this show. i love to see my fellow gay family trying to do something for US and trying to understand the different issues of US. If we don't help us, who the hell will.

thanks for listening.
     Tray AvasBoy Alexandria... 

Once Again

     It's that time of the year once again when the world feels like they deserve special attention and unnecessary treatment, just because there parents lead them to believe that some fat white man named Santa exists.  Once upon a time I subject to this betrayal of belief  by those closest to me, but being the intelligent person that I am, quickly did that whole process prove as failure. My whole thing about it all is, why must we wait until a specific time of year to express our love for those close to us when we can do it through-out. Im ight not make it till Christmas. Planes do crash, cars wreck, and bullets kill. You never know when the end is for anyone. Though we all hope for the best and assume that they'll be there forever when in reality time is slipping away as we speak. I've never really been into the whole Christmas thing, but go along with the whole idea for sake of the masses that depend on the little joy that this time of year brings to get them to the next level in life. Who needs one day out of three hundred and sixty-five to make there world seem like it's better than it really is. I rather concentrate on more important issues like, education, a steady paycheck, and keeping the lights on. The world in my case has it's priorities mixed up. unless the whole point of it all is to make some sense of the turmoil going on around up, it all makes no sense. And if that is the reason for the season, then I'm afraid things really are worse off than I thought they were.

Tray...............!

You cute lil ugly one

     I been asking this question for a while now. Why do some people think just cause they cute, that it justifies them having a shitty ass attitude. I mean just cause you're cute don't mean that you can just treat people any way you feel. It doesn't mean that you're going to get everything that you want. It doesn't mean that you're going to get who ever you want. And it damn sure don't mean that when you get none of the above that you're cuteness gives you permission to down play another to make yourself feel better.

     There was a point in my life that I'd only date very attractive people. I thought that red-bones, with nice asses, pretty skin, long hair, and perfect teeth where the only type that deserved me. Not saying that I was all that or nothing, cause I never thought of myself as a very attractive person, It's just that I had a style about me. I've never really had a problem getting what I wanted in life, well more like who I wanted. But After a while you start seeing a pattern. Shallow people are really only with you for the same reasons that you're with them. You think you have the best, and they most def think the same. When in reality you're both, even though deserving of each other, not worth any one's time. It took me time but I got over all that very quickly. After giving your heart to someone so many times that only want your looks and social status, you tend to get bored and look else where for what it is you truly seek.

     Now I've found that there are all types of cuteness in this world. Like now I love dark skin, brown skin guys/girls. And I've even got into average. I can even go as far as saying that I've dated some people that were not as attractive face wise. But as I got older I started judging people not by there looks, but personalities, kindness, and intelligence. I'd look at these people and it's like they were gorgeous to me.  And for some reason no matter how many time people asked me why I'm with them, or that they weren't cute, I just couldn't see ugliness in them. To me they where beautiful. Musiq Souchild said that beauty is only skin deep. It took a while but I have to agree with Him. A person's beauty is ultimately determined by the light that's shed on them by what lies with-in. 

     Now don't get me wrong there are some ugly people out there that you can't tell they're not attractive. I mean I'm all for high self esteem, but I also believe that you need to know your limitations. And to be ugly on the inside and the outside... Now that's the worst combination that's available. I mean you're already not cute, then you want to have that jacked up ass attitude.. WTF are you thinking. You want to die ugly and lonely huh. I've had the opportunity to date someone like that. I mean they had me fooled at first, but the closer I got to them the more I saw through that continuous stream of smoke that was blown out there ass. I mean and this whole story bout why they can't find no one. Well hell I see why it's hard for you to actually meet someone. Now I can see why you can't keep them. It's like, shit, You ain't really got nothing to offer me. Some people, like I said, need to know there limitations. 

     So to sum this all up. Sometimes you should look into yourself and try to find just what it is you're doing, and where you're at when it comes to this topic. You might be one of those that will give anyone a chance. I mean it's nothing wrong with having preferences, but some people really can't be picky. Especially if looks, ass, money, and attitude are all you have to bring to the table. Some things are worth more than just "RACK APPEAL".

Feeling Great

     It's a Saturday, and today a long time since I've been in a mood this good.. My Ex girlfriend hit me up calming me down. My Classmate put her two cents in trying to make my day better. Even my mother came in and talk to me. I'm just on a roll today.... So what's up with everyone out there in the world trying to make it work today? I have no complaints today. I've even got up this morning, on a Saturday at that and cleaned and all. It's a good feeling knowing that there are people out there that care enough about you to stop what they're doing to make your day just a little better. i love you all. I'm going to even write a new poem today. Right now I'm listening to all this old school.  it reminds me of where I've came from. Lets me know that I'm in a better place and I can only thing those up this morning for it all.. I'm truly blessed.

Who...........

     Who cares about cold days when they have there own supply of heat to warm there bodies throughout the night. Who sees those with nothing to live for but the hope that the next day will be better than their last, and that someone will look down and step aside so sunlight can grace there face. Who does the things that the world seems to have forgotten about through the years that helped get us as beings to the place in life that we are now. Who has the courage to face the unknown, challenge the world, and bring about the destruction of the unjust, seize glory for the weak, and restore balance to a civilization born to fail as it builds atop of sorrows and despair. How might we as people survive in poverty cause by mankind's thirst for himself as an individual, and his lack of faith in brother-en born from the same flesh that brought about creation. How come we refuse to accept that we are all the same and deserve life and everything that comes with it. How can I love with an unbending heart, a black soul and no will to survive. Why will no one reach out to me, tell me the stories that lift spirits and saves lives through true meaning and caring expressions. Who will be my savior and rescue me from this loveless hell that I continue to die in daily while wasting away in the pool of life known as regret, pity, and shame.......

Who Can.............?

Happy Birthday To Me

     I haven't written in my blog in a while now and it's def about time. Well to those that don't know I just had my 31st birthday.. Yea I'm getting old. But I'm fine with that. It takes wisdom, the kind that I've obtained to know just where you stand at in life. And I know just where I stand.. I had a pretty decent birthday. Other than the fact that only three family members wished me a happy birthday, It wasn't so bad.  To be honest it really didn't bother me as much as most people said it should have. I guess I'm used to the fact that me and my family really aren't that close.. Never have been. So with that being said, what's really the point of dwelling on, or getting upset by it. But on the upside I got tons of emails, texts, phone calls, tweets, face book posts, IMs, all my Internet pals, friends, associates, and all around buddies, really made the whole day complete. I didn't do anything but drink and hang out at home, but I still enjoyed MY day all the same. I got the surprise of my life when a friend of mine, flew all the way down from VA, to surprise me at exactly midnight.. lollol.. Now I wasn't expecting that one at all. But it's something that he would do. I guess since I told him I wasn't doing anything the night before he used it to his advantage. To be honest he stole the idea from me. I had planned on doing it for someone. But it's cool. 

     I realized that the type of people that I used to have in my life were not supposed to be there..Sometimes I get lonely, but I do realize that it's a part of life.. I'd rather be by myself than to be surrounded by people that are fake and not there for my best interests. Everyone that's in your live has a reason to be there... Maybe you should sit down one say and write down all the names and beside them put there reason. You, like me, might come to the conclusion that they really should not be there. That certain people surrounding you are occupying valuable space, burning up essential energy, and not to mention, robbing you or focus that's needed for someone or thing that's vital to your very existence. I may sit at home alone most of my free time, but at the end of the day if my time's wasted I know it was wasted on something I wanted and not with someone that really wasn't worth the time. Life teaches you so many lessons. Some you really won't see until you've been through some things, but eventually you'll get there. You'll wake up one day and nothing will be the same. Until then enjoy life, every minute of it. You never know when it's going to end. 

Tray..............!

Self

     Way back before boys started piercing there ears, or even before I started growing grass on any of my fields, there was this thing called self. See back then it was only a part of you, just something that you contained, but still just as important as the first thing ever given to you. You know that word that means your name. Back then I didn't have to deal with the trials of the soul, just remained content with the beating of my heart, pride of ones self came later in the game. I look at you and wonder where the hell did I ever lose my way, the truth about that figure staring at me from a shiny wall. I give you way to much credit than you deserve, robing myself of glorious points in life that to me are on a biblical scale. Noah built the arc with his bare hands and you manage to tear down my heart with soft skin, pretty eyes, and a lack of words that at some point meant absolutely nothing to me. I know my journey will never be over because snakes will always hide in holes, and vultures like the love I have for self will always circle me. Why must life continue to throw stones at my glass house, blow down my cardboard trees, and piss in the water that I cleanse my eternal soul with as if it was my fault that bees make honey and most bushes shed leaves. I did not create this world that I live in but I will believe in self, push self, motivate self, feed, fuck, and finance self because I believe that the sun will shine even on a dead dogs ass from time to time. So instead of continuously sticking rainbows up my proud ass in hopes that my teeth will shine brighter as this fake ass smile is presented to you each day. Realize that my fields have grown and now I know the value of self which means you are now just a stain on the back of my mind that even I can't wash away. At least not by myself...........!

Tray_Alexandria

"I Am Not Afraid of Death"

*mic check* Is this thing on? *clears throat*


I am not afraid of death. However I am afraid of what will happen to those that I leave behind.
It's all too scary to contemplate so like most of you, I eradicate it from my mind.
We all have to leave God’s green Earth at some point rite?
I just prefer to do so in wood grain casket with my name engraved on it.
Now that would be a sight.
As a matter of fact, I want my casket to have a mini bar & a tape deck in it.
I want 4 chicks chained to my casket singing "how low can u go”, with Ludacris in it.
I'd rather not have pole bearers for my casket; they might leave finger prints on the wood grain.
I want to be lowered down into the ground by a helicopter, now that’s insane.
But it just can’t be any helicopter; it has to be one with chrome propellers.
And when it lowers me down it has to play "Lovely Day" by Kirk Franklin, because I love that type weather.
One must realize that this body, no matter how gorgeous it is, is only temporary.
So why is it that we only express our love for people we love in the month of February?
That life you live will not last forever, no matter how fake, phony, or real it is.
Compared to everyone else, what makes your life more special than his, his, hers, or his?
I've learned that the hardest thing about growing up is that you can never go back in time.
Which is why it is only the memories of others that yet keep us alive.
We must express our gratitude for those we love while there is yet life in them.
I make jokes about death when life itself is the joke, but through the pain and heartache I continue to swim.


*drops mic & exits stage left*

-Jatavius Brown

Strange Deams

  I don't know where this new term piggy bank came from. Well i do, but I don't know what caused the vision I had early this morning while snoozing on the couch. I mean the strangest things pop into my mind while I'm day dreaming. I remember when i was really deep in my writing. I used to wake up from naps/dreams and immediately get up, grab my pen and pad, and get to writing.

      Well for some reason I found myself day dreaming early in the morning about a certain person. We were at a hotel, it was night of course, an though I don't remember any foreplay, the sex was off the hook. The sex wasn't the highlight of the dream. It's what came afterwards that got me.

     I don't know if I got some kin of fetish for dudes doing shit that girls do, but why i had this dude wearing pantie liners. i don't know if i hit it to hard, or if this is just something that I wanted to see happen, but I actually had this due wearing pantie liners. It's one thing to have kinky dreams but this one really went there with me. But it's not the first time that I've ha strange dreams like this one. I've reamed of some of everything you can think of. Sexing in the white house, on top of a fire truck, in the mall foo court during lunch hour; just to name a few. In my defence, i have an exaggerated imagination.

     On another not, for some strange reason I always wake up from dreams feeling sexy. Like a model in an underwear add. I get up and put on my "LIL SEXY" draws and take pics. Or I walk around the house waiting on someone to say some slick like, "put some damn clothes on!" LOLLOL.  But I'm kinda into dreams. I used to write about not only my dreams but other's too. I'm one of those type of people that's into how other's minds work. How things effect each individual handles different situations, an how it effects them on a personal level. I never get tired of asking different people the same questions. You almost never get the same answer. I used to listen to my  classmates problems in school an then write poetry about it. Real life situations usually make the best props for poetry. It just seems more natural and in tune when you write about something that's real. Like my sexxxyness... Ahhh I love me.

Prologue

     I sat there writing my name over and over again. "Janie.....!" Paw yelled. That's what he called me. He could never get my name right, but since I've always thought of Jaime as a girl's name anyways, what did it really matter. I was crouched down on the front porch, just low enough that my butt touched the cold concrete.  Staring with my chin in one hand, and a white chalky rock in the other; you know the kind the girls in the neighborhood used to draw there hop-scotch charts in the driveways with. It took me a while to find mine; but finally the short tree on the back corner of the house produced one just big enough to last long enough for me to get bored of what ever i planned on doing with it.

     I got up and headed to the back yard, taking my time of course. Paw was more than likely out in the shed, or even worse in that huge stretch of high bush he called a garden. Either way I knew he was calling me to do something I prolly ain't want to do, but none the less I headed in the direction of his voice and hoped for the best. When I turned the corner, passing the same tree that revealed my chalk rock, Paw, Paw was sitting in the opening of his tool shed. I smiled when I saw him tightening the nuts around the the wheels of a what was to me, a new blue bicycle. For some reason Paw always knew what kind of mood I was in, and as always came right on time with something that made me feel like kids my age should all the time.  "Boy come ride this bicycle down the street, see ha it ride." I saw Granny looking out the kitchen window. I remember her telling me earlier not to leave out the yard. Apparently my mother told her to make me stay home this week end since I went on a field trip earlier that week. I guess her motto is kids shouldn't have to much fun. I really never liked her, but what can I do, I'm seven and she's my mom.  The ride was a short one, but none the less it was a ride. Now it's back to reality.

     My life started out very bland. Well hell it's bland now, but none the less that's besides the point. A child  shouldn't have to endure that kind of solitude. Being that age living with a couple well in there eighties and nineties, it's kind of hard to have a real childhood. Responsibility governs your life. No time for laughter, fun, friends, or any of the other things that drive a child to get out of bed in the morning. I'm not complaining, for the simple fact that I was taught to be grateful for what I have.But I do at time wonder how my life would be if I lived the life of a normal kid. Maybe in time I'll reap the rewards of all this work I'm putting in. Shit at this age social security gone owe me by the time I start sprouting grey hairs.

A Throw Back and a Lil Some New

Family Time

     So I'm spending time with my lovely sister Michon, and my baby sister Cristle. It's always nice to try and spend some quality time with the ones that you love. It seems that these days that you lose

focus on what's important in life. I've lost a few friends, associates, and even family in the last few months. Some you'd have never had thought were going to be leaving you that soon. Young, old, it doesn't really seem like there's really a pattern in what's going on in this world as far as life expectant. It's not posed to be this way, but you never know what God's plan is. So now I've just been really trying to spend time with every one in my life that I feel has importance. Family, friends, close associates; all these people are really what makes life joyous. Other than that special someone that adds that extra umph to the whole equation, that's really all you need.

     So today me and the two sisters are just sitting around watching some things on television, talking about things that happened to us in our past, and filling my little sis in on things that for some strange reason she had no knowledge of. I mean she's been here for 20+ years but there are things that she doesn't know about. I love these type of topics, good laughter, good times. I guess all that's missing is a stiff drink.

    I don't know why you never notice the rate that people are leaving around you until you get a certain age and start wondering when you're time is coming. In this life you really can't be to sure that you're going to be here for ever. All you can do is live your life as best as you can and hope for the best. Hopefully I won't get hit by a stray bullet, or hit by a drunk driver. i think I have a higher purpose in life, but it's really not for me to decide. Love is in the air, and soon I'll be complete.

Busy Mind

Dizziness caused by thoughts of what could be.

 Bright clouds on starless nights, pouring smiling rain and untold dreams.

 Blind faith baring blood shot eyes, healing bones, roting flesh, and pressed black hair.

 Dead waves, breathing life to dry skies.

 What causes chaos in the hoping mind of a dreaming man?

 What creates torment in a pure soul?

Erases the drive to move forward in life and forces even the strongest will to subside?

Is it the delusion of post happiness brought forth by wish full thinking?

Is it the bond carried on the wind between two like minds?

Is it past events still riping at the spine of an at the moment weakened mind?

Maybe it's all randomness caused by some trauma from what seems like a past life.

Memories forced onto a plain that was thought to be so high, close to heaven and unable to be seen.

Sometimes things can't be explained by words, and pictures.
At times actions aren't recognized for what they really stand for.
Dream are never really what they seem.
Unseen reflections in a timeless mirror, hanging on a never ending wall.
Black lights in a fully lite room with no ceilings, corners or colors.
If life was supposed to make sense then why do our minds run busy, and all birds sing songs?
Why won't my eyes stop bleeding and hope finally come home?
Why does this one thought dent my lips in the same shape as the bottom of a thong?
And why is it when my mind is busy only one word graces my tongue........




Tray Wiggins

Finding a New You

     The last few days have actually been good. I've had the opportunity to speak to friends that I've missed dearly and bond with new friends that i also cherish. So what's the next step for me.. i think love is on the horizon, a new chance at something that has always been high on my list of must haves in life: a relationship is a brewing. So how do I go about making this happen. Well things are looking very promising at the moment. There is someone that I've really been smiling more and more over just at the simple thought of. I think the best part about it all is the fact that things are progressing at a very even effort.

     On another note I've found another new love, SYPE. Lmao. i don't think I've had this much fun in a while. If I'd known about this sooner, who knows what state of mind I'd be in. Might even be a little bigger in the arms by now. :))    So one of my friends what's to attend the fair this week end.. I haven't been to the fair in I don't know how long. This should be interesting. The only thing I really like to go for is the food anyways.. But here what is there really to do at the fair other that pick at folk and eat good food.. This week should be interesting.

Getting back on track

At one point I was really good at keeping up with my thought and random tales of love, heart-ache, and life experiences. But for some reason It didn't seem all that important to write this stuff down. Well I think I'm going to give it all another go, see how this all turns out. Hey who knows this might just evolve into something bigger than you reading what I have to say.

I Cry

I CRY NOT BECAUSE I'M SAD, BUT BECAUSE LIFE'S TOLL IS DUE AND THE COST FOR PASSAGE IS HIGH. I CRY FOR THE PLEASURE OF KNOWING THAT I'M HUMAN AND THE LOVE I FEEL FOR MYSELF IS GREATER THAN THAT OF ANY LOVE OTHERS MAY HAVE FOR ME. I CRY BECAUSE SOMETIME TEARS ARE THE ONLY WEIGHT THAT YOU CAN SEEM TO RELEASE TO MAKE THE JOURNEY JUST A LITTLE EASIER. I CRY FOR THE SAKE OF MAN, THE LOVE OF LIFE, AND THE BEAUTY I HOLD DEARLY INSIDE OF MYSELF. SUCCESS GIVIN TO ME BY HARD WORK AND THE TIME PUT FORTH TO MAKE IT TO THIS POINT GIVES ME A REASON TO LET MY EYES BLEED. I CRY NOT ONLY FOR ME BUT FOR THE ONE THAT LOVES ME NO LESS THAN I LOVE LONELY NIGHTS AND COLD DAYS. I CRY FOR YOU, HIM AND HER. BUT MOST OF ALL I CRY BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO LET GO AND CRY FOR ME. WHETHER I MATTER OR NOT GIVES ME A REASON TO SHED TEARS FOR WHAT I HOLD AS TRUTH. MY HEART STILL HOLDS A SPACE FOR YOU. BUT MY TEARS WON'T ALWAYS FALL FOR US.. BUT FOR NOW.. I CRY

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