Peanut Butter, No Jelly.

The longer I live the more I see the flaws in my ultimate plan to better me. I look around and all these priorities that surround me all of a sudden feel unimportant. I've always had a bad habit of always trying to help everyone, but why do I feel like an option. It seems that over time I've managed to spread myself so thin that by the time I get to me there nothing really there worth enjoying. How do you fix a something that's been broken from the beginning. I think at this point it's time to trade in the flawed merchandise and invest in what's really important. ME.........! After all, who likes peanut butter sandwiches without the jelly...! lollollollol..

7 Month Rehab

It's easy to point the finger at someone else. Even trying to find reasons for the actions you've performed is simpler than admitting your failures. Once upon a time I told myself that being a man meant more to me than proving a point. I'm starting to see things in a different light. Maybe my problem was that i always tried to prove a point to everyone except the one person to whom it should have mattered most, Me.... For years I've given so much time, and energy to others happiness and failed to make peace with who I am. After years of asking myself why me, I finally realize that I'm not happy with me. How could I ever give myself fully to someone else when I haven't made peace with what I see every time I look in a mirror? It's not easy to smile when your face is filled with so much hate for nothing other than who you see yourself as. Even though statistically my life is almost halfway over; I refuse to spend any more of it living a lie. I smile today because I've reached a long overdue milestone in my life. I asked myself how can anyone love someone with this much hurt. My answer is by allowing them to first love themselves. Today for the first time in. Thirty-three years I take the first steps in the long but not so distant road to finally finding peace. First I put me first. Then I allow myself to smile. Realizing that I'm blessed, and more than that, highly favored, gives me the strength to move forward. I love you, But I love someone else more.......... ME..........!


Tray

Family Reunion 2011

     Well this year the Hopkins/Cannon family had a reunion in Orlando, Florida that, after about eight year, was much needed and greatly enjoyed by everyone that attended.

Friends, family and all in between came out to enjoy the three day event that I think will be talked about for years to come. I think the best part about it all is seeing everyone that's still here and remembering all those that aren't, while celebrating the memory of both. It's rare that a family can come together in total harmony and just enjoy each other;s company.

There was no fighting at all, and most of all my grandmother of 70+, go to see her whole family together in one place. Another thing that was very warming about the whole thing is the was that my other half was welcomed into the family like he had been apart of it from the beginning. My family's not perfect but it's mine and I love them all the same. And one this that I do know if I don't know anything else is that they love me and support me in everything that I do. I give special thanks to no one person because they all made the whole event a huge success.

There were lots of pictures taken but I don't think we really got any of the pictures from when we were all at the pool. A million kids a few adults and tons of water. Nothing gets better than that.

Bowling night was a huge success even though I left early. And I think my favorite part of the whole week end was the first night that we arrived when we all played cards and sat around talkin trash. Or maybe it was all the events that followed the bowling alley. I really don't know I just had lots of fun. All in all I really enjoyed myself and can't wait till the next one. 

                   Tray.....................!

When Your Opinion Really Doesn't Count

     Okay a discussion was sparked today on my Twitter timeline concerning porn-stars having raw sex. It was stated that because porn-stars are making movies of themselves bare backing, that they're sending a message to our community that it's okay to have unprotected sex. It was also stated that porn stars are the reason for the rise in the HIV rate in our community. My question now is who the hell goes out and have raw sex just because another person, that mind you gets paid for it, is doing it on cam?
     Now lets address this thing one step at a time. I wanna start off with the whole rise in the HIV rate. The reason why there's a rise in the HIV rate has nothing to do with what or how porn stars choose to make there money. This steady rise is directly connected to the lack of education with in our own groups, circles, and communities. The thought of people fearing what they don't understand not only applies to fear of the unknown. In a lot of cases people not only fear what they don't understand, but they ignore it. They put it in there minds that it can' happen to them because they only  date certain types of people. Or they think that because they're not sexually active unless they're in a committed relationship that they're not at risk. Porn is the last reason that anyone should have for the spread of HIV or any of the STDs that we are constantly plagued with.
     Self choice plays a very important part of this whole dilemma about what contributes to the cause of the rising HIV rate here. I see people having unprotected sex all the time. Whether it's on the net,  in person, or just by what other's tell me it's happening. But the question is, if everyone's doing it, does that make it okay? If I watch porn and the new biggest thing out is raw sex, does that mean I should do it? The answer to those questions are, what ever I feel is best for me. But the fact that others are doing it doesn't make it right or wrong. I am my own person,m as is every soul on this planet responsible for there own well being. If I'm standing on the roof of a building and everyone jumps off, I know I sure as hell ain't bout to join in on that fun. If every porn star stabbed themselves with a knife after every orgasm would you think it was the right thing to do?
     @iNewYorker, a patron on twitter, is really the one that started this whole thing. Telling, @I_AM_HOTROD, that he and the people that he work for are directly a big cause for the spread or HIV. I really don't think that there are any adults that have porn stars for role models. And as I've said before, If they do they deserve any and everything they get. And as far as the youth, it's the parents job to educate there kids. So you can get as many petitions signed as you want to, you're not going to change anything. Adult content is not meant for anyone under the age of 18. And if you're over that age and still think that it's okay to do things just cause others do it, I say drink a cup of bleach now and save us all the stress.




Tray.............

Olmond Beach, Fl.

      Well my vacation started in Ormond Beach. For those of you who don't know where that is, it's right outside of Daytona. Not even five minutes. Well I went to see my old friend that's from England, and what a time we had.
     The trip started of really nice, but since we hadn't been around each other or talked in a while, things slowly started turning for the worst. I mean it's not that I didn't enjoy my trip there, it was the fact that us being from different sides of the world caused a lets say, difference in opinion. All in all I did have a great time there, and I'll prolly be going back soon. But this time around I won't be staying as long as I did. 
     My friend is an older guy. More than twice my age, but I don't think that really had to much to do with all that went on. We got into some pretty heated arguments. Some over things that I really didn't understand, some that I did. I mean just because you do things one way in the UK, doesn't mean that I have to follow your way of life here. I mean there has to be some kind of compromise some where on both ends. I'll give you an example. I was told that for a pretty intelligent person, i sure am slow. The reason behind this comment was the simple fact that I didn't understand a joke. i mean in this country we call girls chicks. In the UK girls are referred to as birds. It took two days of fussing and insults for him to realize the I didn't get the joke because he was using a slang that I knew not what it referred to. This is the type of foolishness we went through for an entire week. But like I said all in all I had fun. It really was nice to get out of Boring ass Tallahassee. Plus the fact that my sister came up from Orlando to spend the day with me, and that she brought my little princess with her made it all worth while.




   Tray..............
     

     Who decided that black men should have to conform to what the world thinks they need to adhere to. When a child cries because mama won't except the fact that Lil Jr. got another agenda. I am what you fear and dream of at the same time. I'm the what would should have been my life, and what you want to lay your head on. I go the mile, the distance between you and words of encouragement sent by those that mean betta. You are not my father. He died long ago trying to live his dream, but I won't b e denied. You should look at yourself in something other than a mirror. You are not what you think you should be but a shell of something else. I cried last night for you. A human slave to what folks call a gay black man. I cried because you left me with open hands and empty mouths. Where were you when fog rolled in from a place that most people only think brings pain, sorrow and hurt. You made me be what I am today. A sorry black gay man that's in love with not only you but the sound of his own voice. Alcohol may not be the answer but it does offer relief. You make me sick. All the fairy tails that come from you mouth are sickening to me. You are my joy and don't even know who you are. I'm in a place now that requires me to think. I'd rather be between your legs, blessing you with the gift that God himself gave me. You remember the pain that I brought on in the heat of not just a moment, but a lifetime of waiting.  You still feel me, and in my heart you are the reason I hurt. Ease up off the regret cause yo time is coming. The time of not just paying a bill.  You owe me your life, all of it in a bag held under your arm. I love you, can't you see that. It's not enough to just cry, you got to mean it. And trust me when i say i need you here I'm not just saying words. You are my light so shine. I'll treasure it in the long run...........!

Hard Day at Home

     So my mother decided she wanted to throw my aunt a surprise birthday party. I was kinda surprised myself being that my aunt's birthday was last week, and that she didn't tell anyone about the party other than my oldest sister Sonya. So why did she ask me yesterday when i was going to start cleaning up the house getting ready for the party. What party is what I wanted to know. "Oh I told yall i was throwing Ivy a party this week end." Ummmm, no the hell you didn't. And she fell to mention that our family from South GA was also coming down...  So I've been busy all day cleaning an entire four bed room house by myself. And I have to cut the grass and clean up the yard. When i tell you I'm tired as fuck. And I'm still not done. i got to clean the oven, the living room, and i have to scrub the fucking tub. Then on top of all that she comes in the house and tell me that WE'RE cooking tonight for he party tomorrow. Not like i really made a big deal about it until she took her ass in the room talkin bout she going to sleep. LMFAO... when i tell you it's on tomorrow. I'm getting drunk as fuck and showing my ass all day.

Tray........................!

A Week To Remember....!

     Well I know it's been a while, but I promise I'm gonna stop starting my post with this line. Well after ten months or waiting I finally got to meet the person that I've been spending most my nights talking to via telephone; preparing for what was hopefully to be something worth hanging on to. A few holidays: birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Thanksgiving; spent via: USPS, email, Majic Jack, and T-Mobile, and the Hound finally pulled into Tally carrying the gift that has been anticipated with the up most of anticipation. It's funny how things seem like they'll never happen and then when they do you really don't know how to feel. All i know is even though the week didn't go as I had hoped it would, I still enjoyed every minute of it.

     Sometimes you spend endless night, days, and other time that surely could be used for something else, thinking about the feeling of being with someone that gets you. You hope that when you do finally meet that person that everything pans out like you've always imagined, that sparks will fly, and everything that you dreamed of had finally come true. Well in my case, I don't know about no sparks, LOL, but it was definitely something flying. But things did hit me until probably that next day when I awoke beside them and realized that they were really there. I woke up smiling, and it's been ages since that has happened, so things were def good.

     Well I did have lots of things planned out for us to do that week, but since we had never met,(yes we started dating via twitter), I guess the other party wanted to spend as much, ALONE, time with me as possible. And y'all can get cha heads out the gutter. We spent the week watching movies, talking, laying up under each other, eating my home cooking, and of course getting shit faced. I mean can you think of any other way of spending time with someone you're really into that you've never physically met? Though it was our first time seeing each other we quickly started to show the ten months of getting to know each other by: talking shit, cursing each other out, arguing, and being mad at each other for short periods of time. Yes after all these months, what had started off as innocent conversation, turned into something a little deeper than that. Well shit, a whole lot deeper than that.

     I can honestly say that I have a boyfriend now. I now share my life with another being other than God, and I'm loving every minute of it. even though for now it's a long distance relationship, I have no doubt in my mind that this is something that will last for a while. And in the end if it doesn't work out, I'll know that I've shared a part of my life with someone that loves me dearly. The best part is that the love that they have for me is derived from the very essence of who I am. They love me just for being me. And I love them too....

      Tray.................................!