Life is kinda hard when you have issues that you haven't dealt with. How can you really move on and get on with life when you're still stuck on the things that you didn't get from the people or person that you feel you should have early in your adolescent years? I've kind of learned that holding on to hurt and pain not only effects you but others in your life that love you and want/are playing an important role in your life.
I'm dealing with an issue right now that's kinda holding me back from getting on with life, and is causing me on a daily basis a lot of pain and most of all distraction; my mother. It's not that I don't love my mom cause I do, It's just that my mother didn't raise me and sometimes I feel that she wasn't there for me the same way she was there for my other siblings. I was raised by my grandparents. The funny thing is they weren't my biological grandparents, they were my mother's best friend's parents. Sounds complicated but really it's really not. I mean I had a great life. The folk that raised me loved me like there own, but after a while you long for your true family.
As a child I was active in lots of things. I played five instruments in band, at one point spoke spanish almost fluently, played the piano, was a star bowler, and I even attempted to play sports. My biggest issue is the fact that I really had no support, no one to cheer for me. I watched my mother cheer on my other siblings, support there dreams, and encourage them to be all they could be. I sat back over the years watching them go on and acheive there dreams and enjoy life with that same motherly love that I always longed for. I've often asked myself why I never got the same treatment. I even hated my mother for a while. There were, and are still times when I'd like to hear my mother talk about some of the things that I've acheived in life, but it never happenes. I ask myself every day why she never asks me what's going on with me, or why she never comes to my house to visit. I used to say that maybe it's cause of the lifestyle that I've chosen, but I think it's much deeper than that. I really don't know what it is. Maybe she really doesn't know how I feel about all this. I don't know and at this point I really don't care. All I want at this point in my life is to be able to move on from all this and let the past go. I want to be understood. I want to be asked what's new in my life. I guess to sum it all up, I want to be seen like everyone else in this family is seen. I wonder if what I'm feeling is a sense of not belonging. I really don't know what it is.
I wonder sometimes if instead of focusing on all the negative, I should think about the things that she has giving me. Life for one is what it's all about right. I have love in my life. Someone that really cares about me with all my flaws and all. What I really think I need right now is closure. Just the feeling that all these thoughts are known and acknowledged. I am gratefull for my life. I've done things that people in my family has never done, places they've never been. What is it going to take for me to move on and be able to enjoy my life and the things that I have in it? At this point I really don't know. I guess I'll just keep praying about it. Untill then life and time keeps moving.
Thanks for listning....
Tray.............!
Monday, February 14, 2011
confussion
It's hard to know what roles people in life play when you don't know where in life you yourself are. most of us know that finding our way isn't as easy as we may want it to be. But how can you truly know someones intentions when you see no constructive or obvious concern with direct issues. When does the point come when balance shifts and to much darkness invades the scene? How long does it take for that person to start thinking on simply moving on to brighter fields where days become normal and sunshine returns to its regular time? Everyone has a favorite season, but no one really wants to be stuck there for eternity. Even ducks fly south for the Winter seeking warmer weather. How do you tell someone that there time is over? How do you move on from something that you hate, but seem just to used to to let go? How do you break barriers that you yourself built? How do you climb walls that seem just to high to climb? When the time comes to clean up this think called your life, how do you know what to keep and what to leave behind? Faith wasn't meant for all men. Somethings were never meant to have life. Every house wasn't built to weather every storm.
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